Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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