Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
