so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
