I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
