but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
