So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
