Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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