Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize