I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
...so i touched it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
