Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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