I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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