Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
