why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
