he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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