when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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