omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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