What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
