i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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