lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my liver is dry heaving
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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