tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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