he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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