What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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