and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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