I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
