not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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