So drunk its hurt
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
