Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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