I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
