you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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