How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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