Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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