k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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