My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
