Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
