I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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