im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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