I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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