u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just pee around me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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