I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
