im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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