So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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