Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
