If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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