I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
