Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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