I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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