I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
