found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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