Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
