I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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