if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
