Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
