my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
