You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
