I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze