I haven't been this sober since birth.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.