Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...