started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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