we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
