toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
